Asking Better Questions

Habits make or break us. Aristotle spoke of excellence as being a habit and about the formulation of good habits. I’d like to start from the ground-up and talk about mental habits.

Thoughts are the shadows of feelings. We turn something over and over again in our mind because:

we hate it (and our neurological mechanisms are trying to spark a resolution), or
we love it (and we are trying to relive the past in our own inner world).

Nothing wrong with either scenario. However, they both have the potential to be unhealthy and to make us unhappy. So how do we recognize these chasms? Ask better questions.

Mental Habits

One of my favorite questions to ask myself –when I catch myself being too mentally self-serving– is:

What’s my objective?

or rather:

What’s my outcome if I take this course of action?

There is often nothing to be gained except misery when you dwell on an undesirable situation or event. If there is a solution, you should definitely try to find it. However, if there is no solution, other than to walk away or grin and bear it. Well, then, why persist with the habitual self-torture?

Yes. We can learn from our undesirable circumstances. But this is usually an exercise best placed in the future and not the present of a less-than-desirable situation. Similarly, reliving the good ol’ days is too masturbatory for my liking. It is better to probe with questions what events, choices, luck, and fate lead to those good times –so you can design optimized strategies for creating new ones. But to relive the past is simply boring. Don’t be lazy! And perhaps you should spend time observing if it derives from a fear of failure or a fear that the best times are all behind you.

Change Your Focus by Asking Questions

“What’s my outcome?” is a great question to ask yourself when you find yourself taking actions that aren’t aligned with your goals. For example, is getting in a shouting match really going to resolve a conflict between two parties? No. Why do we do it? We’re hurt and get caught up in the moment. What is the desired outcome by both parties? To be understood by the other and to reach a mutual understanding –and thereby not have a repeat of the offense. That is to say, to reach happiness again.

We can easily poison our minds if we repeat to ourselves all of the infractions we feel someone has committed against us. That evolutionary system designed to help us spot patterns and problem-solve can often fail us. We have to be mindful of that reality. And we can change our focus simply by changing our questions.

Terrible Questions:

Why does life always seem to be working against me?
Why should I even try?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why am I so stupid?

Great Questions:

I’ve tried a few things that haven’t worked. I’ve got to change strategies. What do I need to do to overcome this?
What would happen if I tried twice as hard and incorporated some outside help?
What habits are causing me to repeat the past and how do I break them?
How can I think outside the box here? What have I tried? What if I did the opposite for a day? What have successful people done that I might emulate?

The Value

You’ll notice that my uplifting questions are actionable and often detail the situation. You have to be willing to take an honest hard look in the mirror and be willing to change. That’s the hard part. But nothing is going to improve if you don’t do that. It may for a time due to happenstance, but it won’t last. Whereas, you can actually create a better tomorrow by being proactive today.

Practice Makes Perfect

Make those good habits! Ask better questions. I recommend practicing. It seems silly and stupid, but it helps. When you are trying to develop the habit of exercising daily, you have to start off small or you’ll bite it early and make it easy on yourself to make excuses for why you quit. Don’t self-sabotage. Do the work… but do it intelligently. Build your new focus/question-habit muscle little by little.

The Power of Focus